On being a single mum.

bottles 

milk

sterilise, wash bottles, rinse bottles, fill steriliser, 4 minutes 30. 

kettle

dummy WHERES THE DUMMY?

nappy

washing

cleaning

bath

6 scoops, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, lid on, shake. Cold water, cool down, feed. 

Money, there is never enough money.

These are all the mundane shit points I hate about being a mum. They're also the points which make being a single mum such a ball ache, In my mind, being part of a couple.. a unit, means that these points are shared out, diluted, and there is more time to enjoy the baby. 

All of these things aside, Harry is the best little human in the world, he's filled my heart right to the brim, he's taught me patience, love, kindness, tenderness and all the other good human emotions that I never realised I was capable of feeling or even using. 

When I put him to bed, usually after a little baby protest I ache to see him again, to hold him and smell him, to look at every little part of him and feel choked with joy and amazement that I made him, that I gave him life and I will continue to do so for as long as we both live. My arms feel empty when he's not with me, in the middle of the night after his feed, providing we're only a few hours away from the morning I place him next to me in the bed, fast asleep, so perfect, I hold his hand and drift back into a happy sleep. 

Harry and I are untouchable, we're a team, we keep each other alive, he keeps me in the world and on track. Before Harry my life was meaningless, I didn't care if I died, not that I wanted to but it just didn't really matter, I took my body and health for granted, but now I have Harry to live for and I'm so full of determination and drive, my life is no longer just mine, it's his, and I want to give everything I have to him, I'd do anything just to see him smile. 

I'm truly happy at the moment, sure I have worries and stresses and I do have days or moments where I want to world to swallow me whole and never ever spit me out but thats just human, I'm getting sorted. I've met a beautiful wonderful man who's given me back my energy & re ignited my confidence, I'm loving my course at college, I honestly thing everyone should do a counselling course, it's a really good way of dumping your shit off every week and leaving it in that room. I've got a lovely home which I'm gradually making my own and the best friends and most supportive family ever. I'm basically just disgusting. 

In the middle of the night, I wake up, Harry on my chest and Lola across my shoulder, the three of us as one, I built this, I made this.