The truth.

Dear Blog.

So I thought it was about time I sat and told the truth. And that is that I'm miserable as fuck.

I can feel my youth slipping away faster than a well needed piss, I'm coming out with things such as "I've bought posh soap for my new bathroom and a little jar to put them in!" This time 4 months ago I was sitting with my head in the toilet for far more interesting reasons than morning sickness, I was trying to find my way home from god knows where at 12 o clock the day after a rather blurred night out, made even blurrier by my happy pills which made me feel pretty damn rock and roll if I'm honest, I was canoodling with models and musicians and wearing push up bras so I got more tips at work.

But now... now I'm getting excited about curtains, going to sleep at 8pm and waking up at 6am, wearing leggings and flats getting drunk off of diet coke and eating loads of fruit.

Right now I'm in limbo, I'm greaving heavily for my old life and scared shitless about my new life which is waiting to happen, I've packed up all my belongings in my holloway flat and waiting to get my keys for a harbour side flat in Falmouth, I've bought two new sets of bedding for myself and about 10 thousand baby outfits.

Whats worrying me the most is my relationship, as I sit in bed with Callum watching coronation street sipping my hot chocolate, both of us freely farting I'm wondering how easy it's going to be holding down the love of my life from Cornwall, who by the way is a not too bad looking 18 year old wannabe rockstar who will still be living in his studio flat in north London whilst I'm wiping sick off of my shoulder and making cooing noises in my sleep.

I keep ringing my mother unable to breath because I'm crying so hard at the thought of losing him, the thought of some young pretty blonde care free girl getting her claws into him (literally) and she keeps telling me "if it's meant to be then it'll be fine" But thats the thing, I dont WANT to test my relationship, I want it to just be us, in our little world, still lying in my bed in my leaking bedroom on holloway road, I want to keep those moments when we listened to the velvet underground and he told me that when I spun around in my dress I looked like I was in a film, and when he's smoking by my window at night time.. when it's just us. I don't want a skype relationship, him coming to see me whenever he can get off work. I just want it to stay as it is.

So why did I do this?

I just don't know, I would never change this, I already love my baby and I can't wait for him to be here, but this middle stage is just torture, the worst part is the boredom, not being able to get a job or focus on anything, just waiting... loads and loads of waiting and crying to my mum.

Oh and the occasional fall out with my friends because we're growing worlds apart, which doesn't help too much.

I'm leaving London this weekend because I can't stand it here anymore, it's too hard to drag it out, I need to get into my new flat, accept my new life and get on with it. Staying here holds too many reminders of what I'm letting go.

So adios London, it's been good and bad, but I've learnt so much.

x

P.s this is me today, eating lasts nights dinner and watching bridget jones.