When you love someone and it goes to waste.

Where am I right now? So once again I started new years eve in a low place, for the second year running. Last year I was scared, pregnant, finding it hard to adjust to the dramatic life changes, all the while the one person who should have been there holding my hand wasn't. He was in another county, I thought this year might be different, who am I kidding? Why did I ever think that seeing his son being born would change something in him? I must be the biggest fool round.
So after a full year of loving you, laying my self on the line for you, giving you my heart, making the effort for you, you tell me you can't stop thinking about someone else. I can't make you love me, and I can't make you want to watch your son grow up day in day out. I will never ever understand what goes on through your head, Call me self indulgent for crying over you, but it's hard not to be when all I have for company is me, after you left me to bring up our baby on my own.
Sure, I've been a bitch, of course I have, I've dangled other people in front of you just to try and make you jealous, to see if it would ignite something in you, but nothing seemed to work did it? You're still more passionate about yourself than you will ever be for your son. So this is it. I've had enough. I'm done. I just hope next time you use protection.


p.s I wouldn't swap seeing my amazing baby boy every single day for all the booze, drugs or dirty floors in the world.

On being a single mum.

bottles 

milk

sterilise, wash bottles, rinse bottles, fill steriliser, 4 minutes 30. 

kettle

dummy WHERES THE DUMMY?

nappy

washing

cleaning

bath

6 scoops, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, lid on, shake. Cold water, cool down, feed. 

Money, there is never enough money.

These are all the mundane shit points I hate about being a mum. They're also the points which make being a single mum such a ball ache, In my mind, being part of a couple.. a unit, means that these points are shared out, diluted, and there is more time to enjoy the baby. 

All of these things aside, Harry is the best little human in the world, he's filled my heart right to the brim, he's taught me patience, love, kindness, tenderness and all the other good human emotions that I never realised I was capable of feeling or even using. 

When I put him to bed, usually after a little baby protest I ache to see him again, to hold him and smell him, to look at every little part of him and feel choked with joy and amazement that I made him, that I gave him life and I will continue to do so for as long as we both live. My arms feel empty when he's not with me, in the middle of the night after his feed, providing we're only a few hours away from the morning I place him next to me in the bed, fast asleep, so perfect, I hold his hand and drift back into a happy sleep. 

Harry and I are untouchable, we're a team, we keep each other alive, he keeps me in the world and on track. Before Harry my life was meaningless, I didn't care if I died, not that I wanted to but it just didn't really matter, I took my body and health for granted, but now I have Harry to live for and I'm so full of determination and drive, my life is no longer just mine, it's his, and I want to give everything I have to him, I'd do anything just to see him smile. 

I'm truly happy at the moment, sure I have worries and stresses and I do have days or moments where I want to world to swallow me whole and never ever spit me out but thats just human, I'm getting sorted. I've met a beautiful wonderful man who's given me back my energy & re ignited my confidence, I'm loving my course at college, I honestly thing everyone should do a counselling course, it's a really good way of dumping your shit off every week and leaving it in that room. I've got a lovely home which I'm gradually making my own and the best friends and most supportive family ever. I'm basically just disgusting. 

In the middle of the night, I wake up, Harry on my chest and Lola across my shoulder, the three of us as one, I built this, I made this. 

"I've never been in love like this before"

Now let me pray to keep you from
The perils that will surely come
See life for you my prince has just begun
And I thank you for choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace
For I know that a gift so great
Is only one God could create
And I'm reminded every time I see your face

x

Harry James William Gray

Born June 25th 2012 weighing 7.11lbs 

Maintaining personal style when you look like a whale.

SO the biggest issue I've been confronted with during pregnancy has been trying to hold on to some sort of personal style, if it's not enough that I've given up booze, London and half my intake of junk food I'm now being forced into maternity clothes, where the only range I can actually afford contains t-shirts reading "I LOVE MY BUMP" & "HANDS OFF THE BUMP" and things with... ahem... frills. Yeah, frills. I don't do frills, I never have and I never will, nor do I do scoop necks and three quarter length sleeves.

So here's what I intend to do, stick my fingers up to the stereotypical image of a pregnant chick and embrace my situation, because at the end of the day, who the hell am I kidding? I got knocked up by my 18 year old on off boyfriend who started off as a sleezy one night stand whilst highly intoxicated. This baby was conceived out of a rather long drawn out and ugly break up between the two of us.

My personal style now? To dress as inappropriately as I can for a pregnant person. Embrace my inner chav and stick on the garish leggings (which show off my new humungous ass)/nike sweatshirt teamed with a disgustingly large pair of gold ear rings. I'm telling you now I feel much truer to myself like this than I would if I was sporting a tunic and ballet shoes.

ciao!

p.s maybe I'll give latex a go ;)

21 weeks

Hey all, so a lot has happened since my last post,

The most significant of all has been my move from London to Cornwall. Difficult doesn't even begin to describe what it's been like, I left my beautiful bedroom in holloway, got in my car, dropped Callum off at his and left. I cried pretty much all the way back, every traffic light I stopped at I had to fight the urge to turn my car around or just get out and run. But I didn't, because deep down I know that Cornwall is the only way I can make any kind of future for my baby and I.

So I've moved into my amazing new flat, it's the first time I've lived totally on my own and I actually quite like it, it's a bit like my own little sanctuary where everything is my way and all just so. It took me a while to stay here though, I kept staying at my mums like a little lost lamb and following her about all cushy, but I've manned up now!

So on the baby front all is well and good, baby boy is perfect as far as we call all tell, he doesn't look so much like a fox/dog/frog any more, seems like he's grown into his face a bit, in fact I think he's quite pretty. My body is changing every single day, my bra is getting tighter and my pants don't fit anymore, I've moved into maternity jeans and people stand up on the tube for me now! - I went to London for a few days to see Callum, turns out distance makes the heart grow fonder, I think I love him more now than I ever have. But anyway, yeah I can make my belly button pop inside out if I push hard enough and my nipples are all oozy, it's gross but awesome, I've never been so vile, I'm like a wind machine too, I have no shame any more.

Here are some photos from the last couple of weeks...

Callum clearly helping me pack:

Me and Kimbo spying on Robin Williams

20 week scan!:

Trying to pack:

Spyin' on Callum:

mush.

Callum and I on the sims:

I had a little moment in Hospital, came off of anti depressants too quickly and kept falling into stuff:

Me and my girlfriend:

erm, 18 weeks?:

20 weeks:

My moses basket, been through me and my brothers and cousins babies and now mine!:

Babas bedroom and all his goodies:

My bedroom:

When all my stuff got delivered from London:

After:

Babas cot and changing table:

wake up!

Kel and Julian pissed as farts:

My future pram:

The truth.

Dear Blog.

So I thought it was about time I sat and told the truth. And that is that I'm miserable as fuck.

I can feel my youth slipping away faster than a well needed piss, I'm coming out with things such as "I've bought posh soap for my new bathroom and a little jar to put them in!" This time 4 months ago I was sitting with my head in the toilet for far more interesting reasons than morning sickness, I was trying to find my way home from god knows where at 12 o clock the day after a rather blurred night out, made even blurrier by my happy pills which made me feel pretty damn rock and roll if I'm honest, I was canoodling with models and musicians and wearing push up bras so I got more tips at work.

But now... now I'm getting excited about curtains, going to sleep at 8pm and waking up at 6am, wearing leggings and flats getting drunk off of diet coke and eating loads of fruit.

Right now I'm in limbo, I'm greaving heavily for my old life and scared shitless about my new life which is waiting to happen, I've packed up all my belongings in my holloway flat and waiting to get my keys for a harbour side flat in Falmouth, I've bought two new sets of bedding for myself and about 10 thousand baby outfits.

Whats worrying me the most is my relationship, as I sit in bed with Callum watching coronation street sipping my hot chocolate, both of us freely farting I'm wondering how easy it's going to be holding down the love of my life from Cornwall, who by the way is a not too bad looking 18 year old wannabe rockstar who will still be living in his studio flat in north London whilst I'm wiping sick off of my shoulder and making cooing noises in my sleep.

I keep ringing my mother unable to breath because I'm crying so hard at the thought of losing him, the thought of some young pretty blonde care free girl getting her claws into him (literally) and she keeps telling me "if it's meant to be then it'll be fine" But thats the thing, I dont WANT to test my relationship, I want it to just be us, in our little world, still lying in my bed in my leaking bedroom on holloway road, I want to keep those moments when we listened to the velvet underground and he told me that when I spun around in my dress I looked like I was in a film, and when he's smoking by my window at night time.. when it's just us. I don't want a skype relationship, him coming to see me whenever he can get off work. I just want it to stay as it is.

So why did I do this?

I just don't know, I would never change this, I already love my baby and I can't wait for him to be here, but this middle stage is just torture, the worst part is the boredom, not being able to get a job or focus on anything, just waiting... loads and loads of waiting and crying to my mum.

Oh and the occasional fall out with my friends because we're growing worlds apart, which doesn't help too much.

I'm leaving London this weekend because I can't stand it here anymore, it's too hard to drag it out, I need to get into my new flat, accept my new life and get on with it. Staying here holds too many reminders of what I'm letting go.

So adios London, it's been good and bad, but I've learnt so much.

x

P.s this is me today, eating lasts nights dinner and watching bridget jones.